“High Needs” Baby

(Note: I wrote this about a year ago, but never posted it. Reading it now, I think it might be helpful for some people. Moonpie is now 2 (!) and has turned into quite the sweet, smart, independent, sleeping-through-the-night, non-picky eating toddler. There is hope! Let’s see about baby #2...)

I thought this was so funny when I first read it on Dr. Sears. It sounded like a nice way to say “fussy and crying all the time.” Then, Moonpie turned out to have some pretty high needs, and I returned to Dr. Sears and read everything on hiswebsite about high needs babies. Being first time parents with a high needs baby is hard because I keep asking myself and my husband, “What am I doing wrong?” The bedtime routine we did last week doesn’t work anymore. She liked her bath yesterday but is screaming today. I’m doing everything “the books” suggest, but she’s still clinging to my leg and screaming bloody murder for much of the day. I’ve tried every combination of sleeping, feeding, nursing that I can, and she still wakes up every 2 hours at her first birthday, even after night weaning. She used to enjoy riding in her stroller, but today she’s screaming as I’m trying to walk through the mall.

I’m not writing this to get some advice. I think we’ve received every piece of advice that exists. I decided I’m going to start a list called “Things Marie is doing wrong with Moonpie”, and then I can just tell people “Add it to the list” instead of trying to defend myself:

When and how I nurse

When, where, what and how I feed solids

When and how I’m weaning

When, where and how I change diapers

What she wears

Where, when and how she sleeps

When she bathes

How I deal with night wakings

I’m writing this for other parents of high needs babies. I don’t know if it will get better, or when. I don’t know if you should nurse or formula or cry-it-out or co-sleep. I just really don’t know. That’s the point, no one but you knows, even if you think you don’t know. Whatever works for you is what you should do. I’m pretty sure none of these decisions will affect our baby’s chances of getting into MIT, although you’ll need to give me some time to get back to you on that one. And don’t worry if your high-needs baby is screaming at you and looking at you as if you have betrayed her in the worst way and emotionally abandoned her for all time when you dare to turn your attention from her to the tomato you are trying to chop. You are a great parent, and she will get over it. Now I need to print this out and post it on my kitchen cabinet.

Re-thinking my daily routine - what really matters

I have felt inspired by a common theme lately – one of simplifying and prioritizing my life. I suppose becoming a mother has made me look harder at what is really important to me, and what I had just been doing out of habit. And yet, I’m now finishing up an 8 hour work day and getting ready to make the hour-long trek home on public transport (which I actually prefer to driving here in Turkey) where I will have about 30 minutes to do as much of the roughly 2 or 3 hours of housework waiting for me as I can before my husband and Moonpie come home, shortly after which I should have a hot dinner on the table, which first will need to be cleared off from all the stuff we dumped there yesterday, and, well, you get the idea. I feel overwhelmed a lot, and we don't have any huge issues. It's just LIFE. And I suspect that a lot of people are in the same boat. 

And yet, I found two sewing projects that I’d really like to do, but I don’t seem to have time. I have a few blog posts in my mind I’d like to write, but can’t find the time or mental clarity to bring them together. Other writing projects have been on hold for at least a month. Reading the Bible happens sporadically (I’m glad I have my verse-a-day calendar on my desk!), and more often than not I’m too tired and zoned out by the time Moonpie goes to bed to have any quality interactions with anyone.

Yay for verse-a-day calendars!

This post on The Art of Simple got me thinking, and this together with my continued goal of decluttering have inspired me to re-think my daily routine.

I’m going to commit to not looking at the computer at home, unless there is a really, really good reason. I already stare at the computer all day, and it’s just a bad habit. In my heart I’d rather look at the faces of my husband and daughter.

I’m also going to commit to keeping my morning quiet and simple. No checking of emails or news. I had the intention of doing Bible and devotional reading in the morning, but found myself watching a video about ISIS this morning. Not a great tone-setter for my day.

I’ve also decided that I’m going to give myself a 30 walk after lunch a few days a week. My mind is so cluttered most of the time, and the best way for me to clear it is usually walking, which is also great for my physical health.

The thing is, I have already purposed to do these things, but it’s so hard to change my routine. This morning I automatically reached for the ipad so I could read the news during breakfast, and I had to stop myself and say, “No, not gonna do that.” Today after lunch I’ll have to get my derriere off the chair and rip myself away from my coworkers’ conversations to go take a walk. I’m not really a list person, but I thought of making a list just to give me something to motivate my change. We’ll see. Maybe a list is a good idea.

Have you made a change to get out of a bad habit or simplify? What worked for you?

Decluttering, Take 2

I just wanted to update people since my decluttering post was by far my most popular post ever. Apparently lots of people are in the same boat as me, standing in their living rooms, thinking, "Who sneaked into my house and dropped a bunch of stuff off? Reverse burglary!" I saw this article in the New York Times that also caught my eye. There apparently is a trend of people having to pay people to help them get rid of their stuff before they downsize.

I'm actually really happy with our decluttering. Even after the four suitcases of stuff for Moonpie arrived, we are in good shape in terms of space. We had to rearrange a bit, and I am continuing to declutter little by little, so we are surprisingly a-ok. My latest declutters have been our bedside drawers, which we never open or use but were stuffed full of who knows what. Got rid of most of that. Turns out we had 3 cell phones that didn't work. Why we threw them in there is beyond me.

I also made a difficult decision to get rid of some hand-me-downs given to Moonpie. They were all so cute, but for older children, minimum 5 years old, so I realized that I would be storing them for at least 4 more years, but we need space now. We're also tentatively planning on moving in the next 2 years, so the thought of storing and moving things that she may or many not use in 4 years was sounding more and more ridiculous. I sorted through everything, kept some things that she could use now, tossed some random things, and passed on most of it to a little 5 year old girl who REALLLLY appreciates it. Toys should be played with, clothes should be worn, and I felt a little selfish keeping these items for my daughter who already has more toys and clothes than she really needs. However, I also felt bad knowing that they were given to us for Moonpie to enjoy, but we passed them on. Oh well.

So, after the dust settled I decided to make the bathroom my next goal for decluttering. I had a sneaking suspicion that I don't use 90% of my makeup. I use 4 items every day, but had to scratch and claw through a huge pile of other things to find them...everyday. It was time. Here was the result:

What I had:

What I usually use daily:

What I kept:

I still have too much eye shadow, considering I don't really use it. At least I've pared down, and I can revisit that later.

So, there's my decluttering update. A few of you let me know that you were inspired to declutter after reading my post and The Simple White Rabbit.

How is your decluttering going? Updates, please!

My in-laws are driving me crazy! A must read for ALL in-laws

Hehe, I got you with this title. This is not a rant about my in-laws.

I have stumbled across a book that I would like to recommend to the entire world. Ok, just people who are or have ever been married, or related to someone who is or has been married, have kids who are or have been married or parents who are or have been married. That is probably 92.8% of the world's population, taking into account that that statistic is totally made up.

It's called Don't Roll Your Eyes: Making In-Laws into Family by Ruth Nemzoff. As people who know me or read this blog know, I'm in a cross-cultural marriage, so my in-laws have a different culture than I do. Before we got married, perhaps the number one question I heard was "How do you get along with his family?" accompanied by a cringe from the questioner. Turkish (and Greek, and Italian, and maybe all) mother-in-laws have a really bad reputation. Even Turkish daughter-in-laws rarely get along with their mother-in-laws, so throw in the cultural difference and people figured I was toast. And I have to say honestly, it has been a bumpy road so far for all of us. I'm not going to go into details because that won't be helpful. Reading Moonpie's birth story might give you an idea. But what is helpful is this book I'm reading. And she points out what I pointed out in my previous blog post - ALL marriages are cross-cultural. ALL marriages are the coming together of people from different backgrounds, and the coming together of two different, sometimes VERY different, families. It was really nice to read that and confirm what I had suspected.

This book is just so, so helpful. She addresses each chapter to different relationships, first parents in relating to their children's spouses, then adult children relating to their spouse's parents, then siblings relating to their sibling's spouses, then both sets of parents relating to each other, etc. She gives lots of examples, which won't ring true for everyone, but demonstrate principles to live by. Her main point, if I may summarize it, is that we are all different, and that is not a bad thing. Especially in in-law relationships we need to leave room for difference while giving each other the benefit of the doubt, and we need to turn the other cheek. A lot.

This book is by no means written from a Christian perspective, but it honestly gives better practical advice that I've read in any "Christian" book or website, which usually mention Ruth and Naomi. I wonder how many situations that story actually applies to in terms of losing all male relatives, converting to your mother-in-law's beliefs and moving with her back to her hometown where you marry one of her relatives and become an ancestor to the Savior of the world. I also wonder if the story of Ruth and Naomi was meant to be a model for in-law relationships, or rather a demonstration of God's generous redeeming grace. Anyway, I digress...

Another of her main assumptions is that you can't change other people, but you can change your attitudes and responses. If you really want to change your in-laws, you probably won't like this book, and if you just want to rant and rave about how crazy they are (I have been guilty of this), it also won't be your favorite book. It is a really challenging, but really rewarding book.

I think even people who think they have a great relationship with their in-laws should read this book. As she pointed out, big life events in a family like marriage, birth, illness, death, and divorce all ripple through a family and can change dynamics, possibly souring what was a great relationship if unspoken expectations aren't met. I wish someone had given me this book before we got married.

All this to say, I won't force you or twist your arm, but seriously, read this book.

                                                             

Decluttering Inspiration

I’ve been really inspired to declutter this year, possibly because of the huge amount of baby paraphernalia that has entered our home. I kind of had no choice. It was get rid of stuff, or buy a bigger home, or start suspending things from the ceiling, but since we’re both quite tall, that wasn’t an option.

This website - The Simple White Rabbit - has inspired me.  I really like her goal – gradual minimalism. She basically focuses on simplifying your life slowly in little steps. She has posts that go through each room of a house, plus features minimalists in history and full length books written on the subject of minimalism and decluttering.

Empty shelves!

Six garbage bags plus a few boxes of stuff went out the door earlier this year. I couldn’t believe I had so much excess just lying around our small two bedroom apartment. Granted, I did this mainly because we brought back 4 suitcases full of stuff from our trip to America over Christmas, so it was basically a case of replacing old stuff with new.

But even if I don’t pare my wardrobe down to 30 pieces or get rid of all of my books (you may gasp here), I think minimalism is a good thing to keep in mind, and a good goal to have. It helps me when I go shopping now – is this item really going to add value to my life, or is it going to suck up my time and energy to store it, clean it, organize it, etc.

Right about now my mother is probably snort-laughing and falling off of her chair. This is because my parents are coming later this week for a visit…with three (four?) full suitcases of stuff, mostly for Moonpie, mostly stuff I ordered. She’s still so brand new that I haven’t felt the need to declutter any of her stuff yet, and it’s not out of control...yet. I can see if you got a few of these kids around how it could get pretty non-minimalist (maximalist?), though. I think back to how my brother and I completely took over our family room with Barbie houses and piles of toys. Sorry, mom.

Space in the pantry!

Anyway, the point is, I like the goal of gradually simplifying. This past weekend I decluttered my kitchen pantry. There were 2 grocery bags worth of stuff that was expired, or stuff I could combine and throw out the excess packaging, or stuff I knew we would never use at home, but could get used at work (How did we get so much instant coffee in our house?). I should have taken a "before" picture, but it is a fact that something fell out every time I opened it. I also tackled my wardrobe over the past month, and we have two empty shelves on our bookcase. This is in a home of two people who had two full bookcases when we got married!

Where are you in the process of decluttering? Having trouble starting? Going gradual like me? Or are you slash and burn, get it all out at once?

Tim Duncan Inspiration

The Spurs just won their 5^th NBA title this year. That makes them 4^th all time in the NBA, but they’re up against the Boston Celtics’ record of 17, with 8 in a row from 1959 to 1966. That’s incredible. But five is also incredible, and they’ve done it with more or less the same group of core players each time. Anyway, I tend to really dislike the Spurs because, I don’t know, they always win, and I’m a Suns fan. There were a few years there at the height of the Suns’ Steve Nash era where it seemed like every time we felt like we had a chance to make it to the Finals, Tim Duncan was just standing there, like, “Nope.” Grrr. But, they are a really good team, not flashy, but really, really good. So, I let my bitterness go and decided to be really happy for the Spurs and learn more about them, because Tim Duncan is 38 years old and just won his 5^th title. That’s quite a career. I watched a little YouTube video about his life and career (this link is for part 1), and it made me sorry that I disliked him so much. He seems like a nice guy, and he’s one of those people who just worked really hard and then got swept up by “luck”. I even felt inspired by how he found his path in life. A hurricane and his mother dying when he was a teenager pushed him away from the sport he loved, swimming, and towards a sport he wasn’t very good at, basketball. At least in the video, he attributed this to God’s direction for his life. I was thinking all about this during my “lunch walk” today. He says he wasn’t very good at basketball at the beginning, but through encouragement and practice, he got good enough to be recruited by a US university, where he got good enough to be a number 1 draft pick! The guy is talented, but I’m sure that also involved lots and lots and lots of hard, hard work.

And I was wondering - Am I putting in that kind of effort towards the purpose God has for me? Am I floating through, or am I really giving it my all? It was a little heart-check moment. I’m not talking about earning God’s grace. No way. I’m talking about what God has me on the earth to do, my “calling” or whatever you want to call it. Am I doing the hard work required to be a great wife and mother? Am I sweating it out to be a better teacher? I could definitely improve. Not to please people or earn praise, but just to be the best I can be.

I also thought about the book I’m reading now, Raising Kids for True Greatness by Dr. Tim Kimmel (Amazon affiliate link below). I’m just a few chapters in, but so far the book is making a case for our goal for our kids to be “true greatness” instead of “success”. It seems like Tim Duncan’s parents raised him for true greatness, and he found success along the way as a byproduct.

I never thought I would be inspired to follow God more closely and parent with more purpose by Tim Duncan. Thank you, God. And thank you, Mr. Duncan. Congratulations on amazing success!